The Great Healer
by hellokayla
Summary: Reid's Mother has passed away. The team struggle to pull him out of his deepest emotional hole yet. The Great Healer is about time and its ability to seal closed some of the most vast emotional voids.
1. He saw Her

**Okay, so this is my VERY first fanfic. I would say "be nice!" but realistically I'd love to hear your criticism... good or bad. Its an absolute privilege to have my work up on any forum, let alone having it read by someone other than my Mum so Thank you in advance! Btw (just so you don't jump to conclusions) I am british and therefore there may be some spelling differences or even phrases that people from other parts of the world may not recognise. AT THE MOMENT this is not a slash, HOWEVER I do love a good slash so it may come with time. Anyways please enjoy love you all xxxxx**

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Reid saw her face in the glistening ripples of the swimming pool. He imagined her wonderful skin emerging dripping from the water and plunging again into its depths. He thought she might be there, ignoring that it was actually some fractured memory that had escaped from the dark box at the back of his mind. Bringing her to life again brought him so much joy. The pool was now unkempt, strewn with leaves and tinged with green. It looked more like a sad swamp than a swimming pool and that thought brought a little nudge of guilt into his conscience. He sat back against the lawn chair, tapping nonsense into the armrest with his fingers and closed his eyes. The sun beat down on his expansive back yard like a wall of heat and light leaving no shadows or places of refuge. Sprinklers ticked away in neighbouring yards and in the distance children squealed with delight. If he had listened closely enough he probably could have heard the skin on the fat pink backs of his Neighbours crackle under the unforgiving sun.

For Dr. Spencer Reid, Las Vegas had been 'home' for most of his life, a great big part of him largely forgotten by choice. He sat quietly in the yard he did not remember, breathing slowly, deeply on his own. That was it. He was on his own now. It had only been a few days since his Mother's passing and until that very moment he had still been in a state of wordless denial. A glistening tear escaped down his cheek and he imagined it reflecting the sad and lonely world around him. Spencer's skin prickled on his chin as the tear slowed its momentum and he wiped it quickly away with the back of his hand. Opening his eyes he imagined her gliding through the water again, self medicating her troubles and confusion away. Swimming was so primal to her, so therapeutic, it almost killed him to have to deny her from it. Somehow it had made her better, it had made everything better, for a little while. For hours on end he used to sit at the pools edge with his books and papers overflowing with creativity and happiness just from being near her. Her laughter recharged him, her smiles revived him and her love relieved him, for those few hours he could breathe again without a care in the world. Her rock hard walls of paranoia and confusion melted away with every splash of the cool water and after a while her crippling schizophrenia became a faint memory. Right now, It was too much to take.

Reid found himself crossing the yard with long strides. He threw the gate open with such a force that it wailed on its hinges threatening to fly off the fence and into the Neighbour's garden. Stomping the last few meters of lawn, diving into the passenger side door of a large black SUV and throwing on his seatbelt were about the only things he could do before totally losing it. Agent Morgan, both shocked and confused at the same time silently pulled the SUV out of the driveway, his hysterical partner in the seat next to him. The drive back to the hotel was long - peak hour traffic heaved - car roofs shimmered in the heat. Despite the relentless comforting from Morgan between traffic lights and bad drivers, Reid spent the journey curled up in a hiccuping sobbing mess.

"Spence….Spencer?" whispered Morgan "Spencer, we're here."

Reid knew they had stopped, he had just wanted to dream for a little longer. Forcing open his tired eyes, crusty and sore from tears, he searched out of the car windows for familiar surroundings. They sat in a dark corner of an underground car park, it was significantly cooler than the bustling streets above. It was quiet, calm and comforting. Spencer considered these feelings may have come from primitive defence mechanisms deeply buried in his brain. The car park had briefly become his own personal subterranean sanctuary.

"Spencer?" repeated Morgan a little more concerned.

"Yes..." he croaked and turned to face his dearest friend "Sorry, Sorry… We can go now." Reid made a move to unbuckle his seatbelt but before his shaking fingers could push the red clip down far enough a warm pair of hands grabbed his own. Morgan steadied his gaze finding Spencer's eyes through the floppy mop of brown hair currently concealing his face.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." Morgan insisted "If you want, we can get in that elevator and go straight to your room" He pointed to a large sign in one corner of the car park indicating a set of elevators. Reid considered his offer and an urge to agree began working its way to his mouth. He almost formed the word 'yes' before Morgan continued.

"Or… If you're up for it, the rest of the team is waiting in a bar across the street. We can get you a well earned drink and leave whenever you want to. What do you need to do?." Reid stared at the kind and caring face of his friend. There was no judgement in his smile and Spencer could almost touch the understanding radiating from his strong dark body.

"W-Well…" Spencer was battling with his tears again forcing them back despite the growing knot in his throat "I really do need a drink…a-and…" He looked away a moment composing himself and taking a deep breath before continuing. "I also really need my friends right now. I need you guys. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't….." It was the first time in many years that Agent Morgan had witnessed such an open cry for help from Reid, usually he was the "silent suffering" type but he guessed that all previous emotional barriers Spencer had put up to defend himself had crumbled to non existence today. The dark man watched his young friend begin to collapse into his own sadness again. Morgan couldn't bear watching the new tears fall so he threw his arms around Spencer so lovingly he hoped it might shock him into stopping. It worked so well that Spencer even let out a small huff of amusement into the older man's warm shoulder, not quite laughter but it was progress. Spencer relaxed a little and began breathing evenly again. Having let out a large portion of his heartache already that day, he now truly felt able to face the loving words and gentle touches of his teammates.

Ten more minutes went by in the cool darkness of the car park before Reid and Morgan finally got out of the SUV. Tightly holding hands the two men crossed the concrete floor, headed up the ramp and out into the sunlight. Their black suits silhouetted by the beating rays as they emerged onto the roadside. Traffic roared past and people filled the sidewalks reminding Reid that_ this_ world had not stopped. Only his _own_ world had ceased turning. Silently frozen on its axis.

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**AAHHH Can't believe it! Please review and comment :) love you xxxx**


	2. Reliable Things

**Hello! Thank you ALL for your kind words! I've been so busy with work I haven't had a chance to even THINK about writing a new chapter. I've found a few moments this week to scribble a little something down, I promise the next one will be longer! Thank you again! You've all been so welcoming and wonderful! Love Kayla xxxx**

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The blue of her eyes glimmered despite the dim lighting of the room. They seemed to be full of their own light, his mother would have called that a sparkle. JJ's eyes were a source of constant amazement for Reid and had been for many years. Today they didn't fail to take his breath away and he was grateful of that small slice of normality. There were very few things that Reid could rely on these days, her eyes sat pride of place among those few. JJ embraced Spencer with a mother's grip and threatened to never let go. The others let them be and looked away chatting quietly to each other knowing that if anything could make Spencer feel even the slightest bit better it was a big long hug from JJ.

"I love you, Spence" JJ whispered quietly in his ear "Never forget that, okay?"

Tears welled up again in his eyes, he was so lucky to have friends like these especially a friend like JJ. The tragic life of Dr. Spencer Reid might have made another man jaded and lonely, resenting his gifts and disgusted with humanity convinced that love didn't exist at all. This was not the case with Spencer, everyone knew that this kind, wonderfully talented and sensitive human being was a sheer miracle despite the horrors of his childhood.

Letting go of each other and taking a seat next to their colleagues the team took a moment to look around the bar that they found themselves in. Low lighting, low ceilings, dark paint and a shiny wooden bar stood out at first glance. Upon closer inspection the clientele consisted of an interesting mix between young hipsters using the bar as a hangout and older weirder customers who seemed to become part of the furniture and were almost impossible to see unless you looked for them. Metal music played faintly amidst the sound of conversation and clinking glasses, posters and notices hung from the walls adding to the 'vibe' that the bar was going for. Rossi chuckled as the team looked around obviously profiling every inch of the place subconsciously and broke the silence with a laugh.

"Well, there's no prize for guessing who picked this bar!" Rossi couldn't contain himself and grabbed Prentiss into a semi-hug.

"Hey!" She exclaimed "It's the only one I knew in the area!" she added sheepishly looking to Morgan and Hotch for reassurance.

"I'm not surprised." replied Hotch with a smile obviously holding back his laughter.

"Well no one forced you to say yes to THIS one!" she grinned now holding back her own laughter, playfully shrugging Rossi off her and crossing her arms.

Morgan was the first one to lose it, then Rossi and then Hotch. Eventually the whole team was laughing so hard almost everyone else in the bar had turned around to watch them. It must have seemed like the strangest thing in the world to see seven people in absolute stitches at the back of the bar and stranger again to watch them all slowly come down from hysteria and back to reality almost in unison.

It was the first time Reid had smiled for nearly a whole week. He looked around at his team with pride and love. He needed this, he knew he did. This was his family now these were his people, his teammates, his friends. He knew they'd do anything for him and help him through. He cleared his throat and they all one-by-one turned to look at him half surprised at his decision to speak.

"I-I've realized," he cleared his throat again "A-Actually I know, I have known that you are all going to be there for me through this."

He took time to look at each one of them in the eye, holding their gaze for a few moments and then moving on. He wanted to make sure they knew that he mean't all of them.

"It's not going to be easy for me. My mother was my world..." choking on the word 'was' didn't stop him, he'd expected it and prepared."... for a very long time. Really, though, I think I've always known that I lost her years ago."

His team watched him intently listening to every word.

"The letters that I wrote to her everyday were what some might call a mourning process, I was denying the fact that she would never be the same. I held on too tightly to the thought that she might come back to me. My struggle now is with the realization that I've been living this game of denial for years and not noticing that all along I had a family… a good, strong, loving family right here in front of my eyes the whole time. I'm mourning the time I've spent not seeing this team for what it really is… my family. The death of my mother has been devastating on me not because the last of my family has gone but because I've learned that you guys always _were_ my family. I just want to say that I'm sorry I never understood that and I'm so glad you're all here for me. I couldn't go through this without you all."

Tears fell silently from Garcia's big fabulous eyes smudging her elaborate makeup. Morgan put a large hand on Reid's shoulder and the others reached in to take his hands. Once they all had at least one hand on Spencer, Hotch looked straight into his eyes.

"You have always been many things to me Spencer. I think I speak for the team when I say not only have you been a reliable co-worker but also an irreplaceable friend and always to most of us a wonderful little brother, In JJ's case however I think you're more of a son." Hotch smiled. JJ smirked and nudged Hotch in the shoulder.

"All of us care for you far more than you even know, Reid. Just like family we will continue to care for you unconditionally and be there for you whenever you need us." Hotch signaled the end of his speech by tightening the grip he had on Spencer's hand and radiating love into his palm.

How lucky he was, Dr. Spencer Reid, to have such amazing friends. He sat back in his chair as the conversations around him started to flow again and marveled in wonder at the love surrounding the table. Slowly, very very slowly his world began to turn again, however he knew that It would never be the same.


	3. Cookies

**HELLO AGAIN! So i've had a little more time to write this chap, I'm trying to develop the storyline a little bit more and make it less about JUST REID (although that would be amazing anyway.) I'd really love some more feedback, let me know if you like where this is going, if you don't or whatever I consider all reviews helpful and love to read them. Thank you so much to all of you who have followed and favourited my story. I'm finding this amazingly fun and hope I can continue to find time to write it. THANK YOU love Kayla xxx **

**I DO NOT OWN CRIMINAL MINDS OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS**

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Spencer woke in a heavy fog of temporary amnesia with the taste of liquor and chinese food in his mouth. He licked his lips and his first clear thought of the day was _water_. He dragged himself to the edge of his large double bed causing his legs to tangle in his sheets further stopping his progress. He moaned and sat up rubbing his eyes trying to clear the mist in his vision and the stars in his head. Looking around his room he saw no obvious damage or any evidence of an early morning drunken return so, satisfied, he swung his legs off the bed, clear of his sheets and stood stretching for a very pleasurable few seconds. It wasn't in Spencer's nature to get drunk, neither was it in his nature to sleep naked but both were achieved with reasonable grace and style the previous night so he wondered, as he padded into the kitchen, if maybe he should include these activities into his daily routine. He stared up at the clock on the wall as he opened the fridge door and rolled his eyes. Still slightly intoxicated _and_ naked yet he was up at his usual 6:30am, how ridiculous. Grabbing a bottle of water and some cookies he rushed back into his room and jumped in to bed flicking the TV on in the corner of the room as he passed. He sat for a minute not taking any notice of the television or even his cookies as he thought back to the week he'd just survived.

He'd meant every word that he said last night to his friends. Every word. What he had not mentioned or even realized at the time was exactly how long he was going to find himself at the bottom of this pit of depression. Yes, he still had a wonderful family who he knew would help him through it, but losing his mother had caused such a deep rift inside him that he wasn't sure if this time he would make it.

Dilaudid or any tranquilizer for that matter induces relentless cravings and unforgiving behaviour, Spencer knew this first hand. He had struggled so very hard to curb those cravings and climb out of that hole, and in fact he was unimaginably proud of himself for doing so. Dilaudid, however, is a drug. Something that can be dehumanized and overcome with determination and courage. His mother, unfortunately was a human being. A living breathing, thinking, feeling human being and Spencer knew that getting over her death was going to be almost impossible for him. He pressed the first cookie to his lips taking himself back to his childhood, one particular memory standing out the most.

A shiny clean kitchen stood before him, sun streaming through the windows and Spencer giggled to himself as he watched a cloud of dust particles dance in the sunbeams above the sink. He blew a little gust of air and watched them swirl around into a tiny tornado looking like fairy dust causing him to giggle again. He was 3... or maybe 4. The table where he was sat was so large, he stretched out his chubby fingers on the warm wood and followed the grain with his fingernails. Every sense was being delighted, touching the table, watching the dust fly around, listening to his mother humming a tune somewhere close-by and smelling the wonderful warm scent of freshly baked cookies. His mouth began to water with anticipation and in almost no time at all his mother came into view, looking absolutely beautiful. Maybe it was just the memory or maybe her hair always shimmered like that, Spencer sat stunned watching her dress twirl around the kitchen as she prepared a plate of cookies for her baby boy. Taking a chair opposite him she beamed that wonderful smile at him and held out the perfectly round treat, encouraging him to take it himself. His little hands gleefully grasped the warm dough bringing it, without hesitation, to his licking lips.

Bringing himself back to reality Spencer felt the coolness of tears drying out on his face and wiped away the new ones springing to his eyes. It was memories like these that confirmed to Spencer how difficult this was going to be for him. He was already halfway through the box of cookies before he thought again coherently. He thought for a moment about JJ. How beautiful she was and how wonderful she must be as a mother. He took a moment to consider what she must look like to her son Henry. He wondered if Henry had even noticed the way his mother's hair mimicked liquid gold or if he'd seen her eyes shine and sparkle even in near darkness. Spencer came to the conclusion that Henry was the luckiest little boy on the planet. He stopped himself before his brain came to question how Henry would survive once JJ passed away. A thought like that might've tipped him over the edge, so, quickly Spencer immersed his mind into crunching cookies and watching mindless daytime television.

The team had given him a few days off to be alone but also to sort out his Mother's personal affairs. Spencer was _not_ looking forward to that, he decided to put it off as long as he possibly could knowing how he would react. His Mother's personal carer had brought him the things from her room the day he came to claim her. Aside from the fact that the day was already unbearably awful, he'd discovered that not only had his mother kept every single letter that he'd ever written to her but she'd also kept them in order, neatly wrapping them in monthly bundles with multicolored wool that she'd taken from the craft room normally used for knitting. This small insight into his mothers world floored Reid, he became unable to talk or think or stand, so the nurses had to take him to an empty room and lay him down. He had no idea the impact those letter had on her. He had thought all along that it was the _least_ he could do considering _he_ was the one to desert her there. However, judging by the time and effort she'd put in to caring for each letter opening it carefully, lightly holding the paper taking care not to crease it, placing it back in its envelope and finally bundling them all neatly into piles, Spencer could see exactly how much they'd meant to her. To know that even though he'd betrayed her, locked her away and visited her rarely, that she still cared so deeply for him had broken Spencer's heart.

The phone rang. It was dark outside. Spencer must have dosed off with exhaustion and a belly full of cookies. He padded slowly to his bag hanging from the door of his wardrobe and fumbled around for his phone. The ringing stopped and he sighed with his hand still engulfed up to the elbow in his bag. Before he had a chance to pull his hand out his phone began to ring again. Slightly annoyed now Spencer located his phone snatched it out of his bag and answered it stiffly.

"Yes?" He snapped.

"Oh... hi, Spence." Came the voice through the phone, JJ had not expected that sort of answer when she called.

"Hi, JJ... sorry I couldn't find my phone and got a bit -"

"No no, I understand." She said softly and there was a moment of silence between the two of them.

"Is there something you needed?"

"Oh.. yes. Actually I have something to tell you. Umm... I told the team at work today but because you weren't there I..." She trailed off.

"JJ, do you want to come over?" asked Reid, a little concerned.

"No... Listen, I didn't want to disturb you. I know this week has been really hard for you and you need to be alone... Actually, this was a mistake, I'll tell you when you're back at work."

"It's not a diffi-... I'm fine just..." Spencer stumbled.

"No, I'm sorry I shouldn't have called."

"JJ. Stop." said Reid. "I'm tired and emotional and yes, I'm struggling. But please don't tip toe around me on eggshells. I'm not going to fall any deeper into this... thing. My mother died, not me. Just treat me normal okay? You know how much I hate being the one thats left out... it makes me feel different." Spencer was breathing heavier now, he hadn't meant to snap like that, she must know he didn't mean it.

"I'm pregnant."

Spencer's heart stopped for just a fraction of a second. He'd always loved JJ, with all his heart he'd been loving her ever since the first moment he saw her. He wasn't _in_ love with her although he had thought that he might've been for some time a few years ago. For some reason, despite wishing nothing but the best for her every man she ever got with hurt Spencer just a tiny bit. Since getting with Will every kiss, the wedding and even the arrival of Henry hurt Spencer a little more every time. He really liked Will and absolutely adored Henry but there was always going to be that part of him that ached to have JJ all to himself. The thought had never occurred to him that JJ might get pregnant again, he certainly hadn't mentally prepared for the idea and on top of everything he'd had to deal with that week he wasn't immediately sure how to react.

"Spence...?"

Spencer always knew that somehow JJ understood his affection.

"Spencer?"

She knew what this would do to him.

"Is that why you didn't want to come over?" He said with a flat and emotionless voice.

"Spencer, I know this is a bad time for you so I-"

"Couldn't you tell me to my face?" He snapped

"I didn't want to intrude!"

"So you tell me over the phone?"

"Fine!" She shouted "I didn't want to tell you to your face!"

The silence shared between them this time was awkward and deafening. After a few moments Spencer began to think clearly again. He really _was _happy for her he just needed some time to get used to the idea. He felt guilty for reacting so badly to her news, any other friend would've been delighted. He was sure the team would have all beamed with happiness... this thought made him feel even worse. How could he do that to JJ, no matter how he felt about her, his reaction was selfish. Of course he was happy for her.

"Congratulations, I'm really happy for you." Spencer said honestly.

"Thanks." She replied softly to hide her tears, but Spencer could hear them over the phone.

"I'm sorry JJ, I didn't meant to -"

"Oh..Its not you, Spence." She assured him, making no effort to hide her tears now "I knew you'd react like that." She sobbed for a little bit while he stayed on the phone to her.

"Are you alright?" He asked kindly getting a little emotional himself he hated knowing she was upset.

"Yeah..." She sniffed and blew her nose loudly into the receiver amusing Spencer a little.

"Are you sure?"

"No." She whispered breathing deeply to calm down.

"What is it?"

"I...I-I don't want it." She couldn't contain herself and started crying again.

"What? The baby?" Spencer was shocked

"Yeah...No... I... I don't know. Don't worry about it. I gotta go Spence."

She hung up the phone before Spencer had even a second to reply. The sound of the dead phone line reverberated around his brain for a few minutes whilst he processed everything that had just happened. He wandered back to his bed both confused and upset not sure what to think with so many emotions rushing through him at the same time. Even contemplating the idea of processing everything that just happened made his head hurt. He thought about JJ and what she said for hours before finally falling asleep. Her words worried him and he decided to get back to work the next day to keep an eye on her. The whole situation was bitter sweet relief from thinking about his mother and Spencer slept undisturbed by nightmares and memories for the first time in what seemed like forever. The half empty box of cookies sat guarding him on his bedside table.

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**WHAT DO YOU THINK? Please review... I am new to this and find anything helpful good or bad :) love kayla xxxx**


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